Transcendence
by Pooks1979
Summary: AU J/B - one shot, what if Bella was conflicted during her time during New Moon between chosing her bestfriend or the man who left her for dead? What if the moment he rescues her, she choses differently?


**BPOV**

Sitting here in the dark, my knees curled to my chest, my mind and heart racing at equal speed, debating, pondering, agonizing over this choice, a choice over fire and ice, sun and endless darkness, of friendship and life or happiness and death. I never thought I, Bella Swan would have to make the ultimate choice, a choice that could change the very essence of who I wanted to be and better yet, who I was destined to be.

It all was so simple once, eat, sleep, go to school and socialize, all so trivial now in the grand scheme of things and as trivial as they were, I long for them so much even now. My life, the normalcy of a teenage girl now forced to make the ultimate decision, the adult decision over the course of her life in a matter of minutes seem so unreal and yet so surreal all at once.

The two men of my life, one living and one condemned to livng a life that wasn't truly one to begin with. Do I say my dark knight, offering him my devotion and endless compassion and love or do I chose my bestfriend, the one person who stood by me through it all and offered nothing short of benevelance and unyielding devotion. Each of these men held a special place in my heart and it almost felt like my heart would stop beating if one or either were no longer present in my life.

My hands slide from my knees, my fingers running firmly through my hair tugging and prying through my dense brown locks, demanding I look deep, search within the dark recesses of my soul to find the answer and yet I can't. I don't want to chose and shouldn't have to. Why did life always demand a decision? How could I make such an important and life changing decision when I myself didn't feel confident in the decision I was about to make.

I tried my hardest to weigh all the options utilizing tools I attained in the past to make such a decision and yet both had equal qualities which would deem them more than acceptable partners and not one con would sway my decision to either side. I love them both with every part of me and yet the decision still had to be made.

The anger, upset and fury brewed within me like a tornedo building over dry land, the unanswered questions, disputable possibilities and endless emotion distress continued to circle within my mind like vultures to a dead carcus. One would think with so much agony, sleep would come easy but it remained absent to my tired mind, the voice of reason constantly stampeding over the emotional part of me that demanded I accept the only truth I knew to be true. It was better to be without either than chose between them.

"NO!" I hissed under my breath, my body trembling with a neeed to break free of this chaos and run. Was it better to suffer in silence or leave the very place I called home just to be free from the dark cloud that covered my once sunny day?

Running was a plausible option but only a momentary relief. Both contendors would seek to find me, pull me back into this endless obyus of uncertainity in a heartbeat so logically there was no where to run. This time, I was forced to chose and neither my heart nor my mind could come to acceptable terms to force the truth from my lips.

How do you chose between what is good for you now over what will achieve the ultimate happiness? Both men, equally strong, smart and perfect in every aspect of their human and supernatural lives which makes it nearly impossible to decide between the two.

Ultimately what is demanded of me is to look past the superficial benefits and determine what I need and not what I want. This choice had to be made not from my mind but from my heart and sitting here, in my room with reminders of what I have, what I stand to lose and what I might never find again staring back at me like a scratched record wasn't helping matters at all.

Determination and purpose replaced my intense gut reaction of anger and rage, my body, on its sole will alone, sliding from the bed, reaching for my jacket on the chair and storming out of my room and house in a matter of moments. I needed air, a place to think, undisturbed, a neutral place of sorts where my mind could focus, hone in on my emotions and make this decision before the decision was made for me.

My mother once spoke of something called transcendence, the state of excelling, surpassing or going beyond usual limits. She spoke of this highly, professing its benefits at helping aid ones mind in making decisions. I had to look outside the box, view my life from the outside of my cage to really see who I should chose. Funny my mother of all people should come up at such an epic time in my life, the one free of all responbsibility and yet, when forced to make the hardest of decisions, she was more knowledgeable than given credit for.

With unwavering firmness to guide me, I forced my ever so clumsy limbs to run with no direction in mind but rather the thought of finding tranquility anywhere but here at the forefront of my mind. I didn't care that a storm brewed in front of me, the threat of endless ran and loud thunder once a deterrent and fear seemed meaningless against my quest for resolution.

As the burn of my tired and weakened body took hold, I stopped just shy of the cliffs edge, my lungs thirsting for adequate air and my limbs desperate for relief. I fell to my knees, allotting the physical part of me to rest while the mental part of me soaked in the tranquility that surrounds me.

I thought it silly that the Quileute boys came here, risked death for the pure adrenaline rush it provided and yet now, the desperation of that clarity, that peace was so direr it seemed less like a rush at death and more like the solution to all my problems.

The savage waves as they crashed against the cold rocks below did little to deter me and only seemed to further fuel the need to jump right in. What better way to experience death than to meet it halfway? I knew the decision I was about to make would be life or death but what did I have to compare life to if not with its sworn enemy?

I rise to my feet and take a step forward, the tips of my sneakers dueling with the harsh rush of air from the waves below, a careful reminder of this most treacherous act and yet I didn't falter or move but rather pondered the notion a moment longer.

I knew what it meant to live, to feel the intense burning of love and devotion as it flowed freely from my heart into every orifice of my body but what of death? If I were to try know death, I must experience it first-hand.

I extend my hands outward welcoming, the push from mother nature as the stormy winds aid my release and force me over the edge. As if in slow motion, I hear my name being called which forces my body to contort midflight and face death for the first time with open eyes. Rushing to the cliffs edge but not in enough time to stop me, my emerald knight watches in horror as my body falls to its watery grave.

A moment of fear and uncertainty fill me, the rush of not wanting death but life courses through my veins and panic wraps its warm arms around me. However, as scared for my life as I am, I close my eyes, forcing the fear away and allowing my mind to search for the truth as I fall to my peril.

It is in this moment, the sun brakes free of its cloudy haze and shines brightly against my face forcing me to open my eyes. Gazing upon its radiance, the warm and almost nurturing womb it provides, reminds me of the one true constant in my life. It is in this moment, as the tips of my fingers hit the water and my body is consumed by the cold mass of water that I realize it is only in dying that I can be reborn.

The violent waves consume me, knocking my body around like a ping pong ball within two paddles, my body too weak to stop it and my mind succumbing to the harsh reality that death was eminent. As I slip into darkness, a place I no longer emulate but rather despise, I recall the moment the one moment that brought me peace.

It was on this very beach many moons ago that I met my partner in crime, best friend and true soul mate. It would only seem fitting that in this special place, I give my last breath to relive this prized moment, the moment I should have recalled when first propositioned with the ultimate choice. For in this moment it is clear there never was a choice. _It's as easy as breathing_ the voice called out to me from the dark abyss of the sea, _that's how love should be Bella, as easy as breathing_.

The truth, love and dedication resonated so highly within his words, the words of a young boy who grew into a fine man. This was the person I was meant to love for he never lost sight of our love, not even when I shunned, mocked and abused him. His love for me always remained and it is in his love that I wish to nourish my forsaken heart.

A sudden warm fills my body and like a tidal wave pulls me from the watery depth and into the heat of the warm sand. The sudden movement doesn't alert my body enough to respond however, my mind, for the first time is free from the cloudiness that consumes it and wishes for life more than ever.

The pressure of forced air into my lungs is enough to free the water and force me to awake from oblivion into the arms of the one I sought for most. "Breath Bella Breathe", he whispers, his hands frantically combing my body while holding me tightly to his chest.

"Jake…" I reply, the sound inaudible to all but one.

"You could have died Bella. What were you thinking?" he questions, the look of relief mixed with pain clear around his face as his eyes search within mine for answers.

Mustering what little strength I had, I lean up slightly, my hand pulling from his grasp and cupping his face as I reply "I did die…and now…I'm yours."

The look of confusion remained as denial of my admittance was surely repeating continuously within his thoughts. Before he could conjure a response, I gave him one of my own, a kiss like no other that contained all the love I had and will continue to have for him from this moment on.

There was no doubt who I had chosen to be my soul mate for there was never a choice to be made. Jake Black was the only natural path and loving him would always be just as easy as breathing.


End file.
